How Can I Help: Chronic Pain

Alright, so if you know me, you know that my husband Jay suffers from chronic pain (migraines, back pain, nerve pain), so it won't be any surprise where I got my information for this post!

Jay has lived with chronic migraines and other pain since about a month before our oldest son's birth. That son is about to turn 18 this summer, so that's a long, long hallway of pain he's been walking.

First, a couple of things that don't help:

Telling him that his pain is all in his head - not true, and not very compassionate either.

Responding to anything he says about pain with, "Oh, I have that exact thing", and then spending the next hour telling him about your suffering.

Trying to sell him your multi-level marketing vitamin powders. Trust me, we can't afford it!

That being said, Jay has received a lot of service over the years from kind and compassionate people  who have made a tremendous difference in his life. Here are our top five tips for serving someone who is living with chronic pain:

1. Treat them like a normal person, talk about normal things. I have a wonderful sister who is very good at pretending she doesn't notice when Jay is on the down side when she's at our house. She just assumes he's having a bad "pain" day and she doesn't take it personally. It's allowed her to maintain a friendship with Jay, and that's been important to both of us. Jay hates the question, "How are you feeling?" He doesn't usually have a positive response to that, and so it doesn't make for very interesting coversation. He'd rather skip the whole topic.

2. If you have a background that might be helpful in resolving medical issues, speak up. Jay is very  reluctant to ask doctors, chiropractors or other professionals that he knows socially for advice outside of their office, but he's so grateful when they offer it on their own. 

3. Be forgiving when plans change abruptly. We often make plans to attend a social function, but when the time comes, Jay is just too sick to go. We both feel bad when we have to cancel, especially if it's at the last minute, and we're so grateful when friends are gracious about it.

4. Pitch in where you can. A ward member became a close friend when, at a time when she hardly knew us, she began picking up our 2-year-old daughter for a playdate every week for months, giving Jay a break from childcare while I was at work. This is a service she thought of on her own, nobody asked her to do it, and it stunned and humbled us.

5. Brainstorm ways to help them be productive. Jay doesn't like to lie in bed and think about his pain all the time, but it can also be difficult for him to get up early and make it to a full-time job every day. If you have work that can be done from home or on a flexible basis (where they can come in on their good days), please think of your pain-ridden friend. A good bishop once asked his ward council if anyone had work Jay could do from home. A member of the ward council owned several fast-food franchises, and he made some adjustments so that Jay could do his payroll from home. Jay has had that part-time work for close to ten years now, and it has been a significant blessing to our family, not only financially, but also in allowing Jay to feel productive and worthwhile.

How Can I Help? offers just a few suggestions for serving others who are going through a particular trial. These suggestions may not be right for everyone. As always, the best way to serve is to let the Spirit guide you. Pray over your friends and family members who are struggling so that your mind can be enlightened. Have other suggestions? Leave them for us in the comments!


Gonna Need Grace

How Can I Help: Depression

If you met Carly (name has been changed), you would think she has everything under control. Not only does Carly come across as someone who's moving through life on a pretty even keel, but she is also incredibly accomplished in several areas, including musically and as a home decorator. If you met Carly, you would see the side of her that she wants you to see.

But when she's home, when she doesn't have her 'public' face on, Carly often feels like she can't cope with life...like she is swimming for shore against a riptide.

Carly struggles with moderate depression, which she describes as depression that can be debilitating but not suicidal. It comes and goes, although she never knows for sure what is going to bring it on, or when. She tells me that her husband knows of her struggle, and her kids notice that she's often 'grumpy', 'moody', or just plain 'in bed', but most people don't suspect that anything is wrong. Carly is one of many women living in what I call "the quiet crucible" - living with a trial that is invisible to most, fighting along valiantly without the benefit of the dinners and notes and support that someone with a more noticeable trial might get.

None of us is at fault for not recognizing the silent struggles of others, but if the Spirit has prompted you or you somehow suspect that a friend or family member is living with depression, you might wonder: How can I help? Let's learn directly from Carly on that. She suggests:

1. It's okay to ask a close friend or family member if they might be depressed. Just be sure to do so in private, not when her kids or others are within hearing range.

2. If your friend chooses to confide in you, do a LOT more listening than talking. A nod or a soft touch will convey your empathy much better than that over-used phrase, "I know just how you feel." Also, don't feel like you have to acknowledge her depression every time you talk - much better to talk about normal things that any friends would discuss.

3. It's okay to offer suggestions or referrals, such as mentioning briefly that LDS Family Services provides counseling support, but don't pressure your friend to seek treatment, and don't make her feel judged by offering up platitudes such as 'count your blessings'. She is likely trying her best to do such things already. (Remember that Carly is not suicidal. If you suspect your friend or family member is contemplating suicide, seek out professional help immediately).

4. Stay in touch by calling to chat or just dropping by. Carly says, "If you call and ask if it's okay to come over, I'll probably say no. But if you just show up, I'm not going to shut the door in your face, and later I'll be glad you came."

5. The written word is powerful. Write your friend a card or note telling her what you love about her or what qualities she has that enrich your life. Emails are nice, but an actual card or note will be something she can put by her bed and read over and over when she needs to.

How Can I Help? offers just a few suggestions for serving others who are going through a particular trial. These suggestions may not be right for everyone. As always, the best way to serve is to let the Spirit guide you. Pray over your friends and family members who are struggling so that your mind can be enlightened. Have other suggestions? Leave them for us in the comments!

Gonna Need Grace

How Can I Help?

Most of us are born with an innate desire to help others. When we see suffering, our natural inclination is to try to relieve it however we can.

Elder Ronald A. Rasband spoke on this topic in the April 2012 General Conference. He said, "If you come upon a person who is drowning, would you ask if they need help - or would it be better to just jump in and save them from the deepening waters? The offer, while well meaning and often given, 'Let me know if I can help' is really no help at all."

We all know that's true, because when people ask us what they can do to help, we usually say, "Nothing" or "We're fine", when inside we are drowning.

On the other hand, jumping in to help someone isn't always easy, because unless you've walked a mile in their shoes, it can be very hard to know what kind of service is needed or would be welcomed.

So, let's take the mystery out of what we can do to help each other! Some wonderful women have agreed to share with me what helped them through particular struggles, and I'm hoping more will join them. In posts tagged 'How Can I Help?', you'll find interviews with women (most of whom will be anonymous) about what it's like to struggle with depression, cancer, losing a child, chronic illness, and other trials, and what kinds of service meant the most to them.

Everyone's situation is different, and inspiration is key to service, but hopefully over time we'll have built a nice reference guide that will to help us serve our friends and neighbors who are dealing with specific struggles.



Gonna Need Grace