How Can I Help: Depression

If you met Carly (name has been changed), you would think she has everything under control. Not only does Carly come across as someone who's moving through life on a pretty even keel, but she is also incredibly accomplished in several areas, including musically and as a home decorator. If you met Carly, you would see the side of her that she wants you to see.

But when she's home, when she doesn't have her 'public' face on, Carly often feels like she can't cope with life...like she is swimming for shore against a riptide.

Carly struggles with moderate depression, which she describes as depression that can be debilitating but not suicidal. It comes and goes, although she never knows for sure what is going to bring it on, or when. She tells me that her husband knows of her struggle, and her kids notice that she's often 'grumpy', 'moody', or just plain 'in bed', but most people don't suspect that anything is wrong. Carly is one of many women living in what I call "the quiet crucible" - living with a trial that is invisible to most, fighting along valiantly without the benefit of the dinners and notes and support that someone with a more noticeable trial might get.

None of us is at fault for not recognizing the silent struggles of others, but if the Spirit has prompted you or you somehow suspect that a friend or family member is living with depression, you might wonder: How can I help? Let's learn directly from Carly on that. She suggests:

1. It's okay to ask a close friend or family member if they might be depressed. Just be sure to do so in private, not when her kids or others are within hearing range.

2. If your friend chooses to confide in you, do a LOT more listening than talking. A nod or a soft touch will convey your empathy much better than that over-used phrase, "I know just how you feel." Also, don't feel like you have to acknowledge her depression every time you talk - much better to talk about normal things that any friends would discuss.

3. It's okay to offer suggestions or referrals, such as mentioning briefly that LDS Family Services provides counseling support, but don't pressure your friend to seek treatment, and don't make her feel judged by offering up platitudes such as 'count your blessings'. She is likely trying her best to do such things already. (Remember that Carly is not suicidal. If you suspect your friend or family member is contemplating suicide, seek out professional help immediately).

4. Stay in touch by calling to chat or just dropping by. Carly says, "If you call and ask if it's okay to come over, I'll probably say no. But if you just show up, I'm not going to shut the door in your face, and later I'll be glad you came."

5. The written word is powerful. Write your friend a card or note telling her what you love about her or what qualities she has that enrich your life. Emails are nice, but an actual card or note will be something she can put by her bed and read over and over when she needs to.

How Can I Help? offers just a few suggestions for serving others who are going through a particular trial. These suggestions may not be right for everyone. As always, the best way to serve is to let the Spirit guide you. Pray over your friends and family members who are struggling so that your mind can be enlightened. Have other suggestions? Leave them for us in the comments!

Gonna Need Grace