How Can I Help: Chronic Pain

Alright, so if you know me, you know that my husband Jay suffers from chronic pain (migraines, back pain, nerve pain), so it won't be any surprise where I got my information for this post!

Jay has lived with chronic migraines and other pain since about a month before our oldest son's birth. That son is about to turn 18 this summer, so that's a long, long hallway of pain he's been walking.

First, a couple of things that don't help:

Telling him that his pain is all in his head - not true, and not very compassionate either.

Responding to anything he says about pain with, "Oh, I have that exact thing", and then spending the next hour telling him about your suffering.

Trying to sell him your multi-level marketing vitamin powders. Trust me, we can't afford it!

That being said, Jay has received a lot of service over the years from kind and compassionate people  who have made a tremendous difference in his life. Here are our top five tips for serving someone who is living with chronic pain:

1. Treat them like a normal person, talk about normal things. I have a wonderful sister who is very good at pretending she doesn't notice when Jay is on the down side when she's at our house. She just assumes he's having a bad "pain" day and she doesn't take it personally. It's allowed her to maintain a friendship with Jay, and that's been important to both of us. Jay hates the question, "How are you feeling?" He doesn't usually have a positive response to that, and so it doesn't make for very interesting coversation. He'd rather skip the whole topic.

2. If you have a background that might be helpful in resolving medical issues, speak up. Jay is very  reluctant to ask doctors, chiropractors or other professionals that he knows socially for advice outside of their office, but he's so grateful when they offer it on their own. 

3. Be forgiving when plans change abruptly. We often make plans to attend a social function, but when the time comes, Jay is just too sick to go. We both feel bad when we have to cancel, especially if it's at the last minute, and we're so grateful when friends are gracious about it.

4. Pitch in where you can. A ward member became a close friend when, at a time when she hardly knew us, she began picking up our 2-year-old daughter for a playdate every week for months, giving Jay a break from childcare while I was at work. This is a service she thought of on her own, nobody asked her to do it, and it stunned and humbled us.

5. Brainstorm ways to help them be productive. Jay doesn't like to lie in bed and think about his pain all the time, but it can also be difficult for him to get up early and make it to a full-time job every day. If you have work that can be done from home or on a flexible basis (where they can come in on their good days), please think of your pain-ridden friend. A good bishop once asked his ward council if anyone had work Jay could do from home. A member of the ward council owned several fast-food franchises, and he made some adjustments so that Jay could do his payroll from home. Jay has had that part-time work for close to ten years now, and it has been a significant blessing to our family, not only financially, but also in allowing Jay to feel productive and worthwhile.

How Can I Help? offers just a few suggestions for serving others who are going through a particular trial. These suggestions may not be right for everyone. As always, the best way to serve is to let the Spirit guide you. Pray over your friends and family members who are struggling so that your mind can be enlightened. Have other suggestions? Leave them for us in the comments!


Gonna Need Grace